"Walk like a man"

 I do the best that I can

First, the photos that you're about to see were taking while I was actually walking very quickly.  There's tons of blur and not the cool kind of blur that was in the photos of my last post.  So if you get dizzy and throw up during this post, just remember that you've been warned.

As you know, I walk to work now.  I started about a month ago.  Not really a New Year's Resolution but I guess close enough.  Who cares!  The point is I now walk two miles in the morning and two miles home.  It takes me exactly 30 minutes each way.  I told you before that I don't look forward to it and I don't enjoy it while I'm doing it.  But, I still do it.  I've only lost three pounds which makes the journey even worse.

 Leaving home

I'm about 5'8", give or take 5 inches.  Just kidding.  I am 5'8".  Not the tallest guy in the world.  Anyway, body charts say that I should weigh 160 pounds.  Listen, I'm opening up to you people so don't laugh at me.  Okay, you can laugh but I better not hear it.  Anyway, last month, I stepped on the scale at the office(gym) at it read exactly 200 pounds.  Of course I stepped on and off of it a billion times just to get an accurate reading.  But always 200 pounds.  A few days later, I was at the drug store and stepped on the scale there.  Exactly 200 pounds, again.  After I swallowed the vomit that came up in my mouth, I decided to start walking.

When I was Mark, B.C.(Before Children), I would walk Roman(our Golden) four miles in the morning.  Then after work, I would hit the gym for two hours.  Then I came home and walked the dog the same four miles.  160 was always what I tried to maintain.  I looked quite thin and I was loving life.  I ate everything around me because I knew that exercising most of my waking hours would keep me fit.  And it did!  Then came John, born in 2000.  I kept my membership at the Gym for 6 months before I finally gave it up.  I still walked the dog and kept Johnny in a carrying sack(whatever they're called) but I didn't walk as much.  John was a difficult baby and he totally wore me out.  And now he's a preteen who totally wears me out.  He's consistent, I'll give him that.

 Focus on the branches, you won't get dizzy.

So, I slowly started to gain weight.  And actually, I looked pretty darn good at around 180.  And people actually said that I didn't look as sickly as I did when I was 160.  By the way, I like that "sickly" look.  Give me the body of a crack-head any day!  Then I hit 190 and stayed that way for awhile.  It was alright as long as I didn't gain any more.  Over the past year, I've been noticing that my clothes were getting tighter.  Uh oh!  Yep, I knew it but I just didn't want to talk about it or even get close to a scale.  But of course I did.

I wonder what stuff happens under this bridge at night? 

Long paragraph ahead.  You can skip it if you want.  I'm just going on about my mornings.

So each morning, I'm up between 5 and 5:30a.m.  I grab my coffee and head to the basement to feed the cats and release them.  I don't like cats wondering around me at night.  I don't like dogs doing it either.  Actually, you know what, I'm just totally uptight when I sleep and I don't like anything happening!  How's that?  Anyway, I either start laundry or fold laundry or something laundry related.  I check out a few blogs and emails and try to quickly get through them before 6a.m.  I like to get the dogs walked before the sun rises.  I don't like my neighbors seeing me looking like hell.  I'm a gay man, they expect me to look better then them.  And I really hate to disappoint.  So I get get back from my walk and Fred is already on round one of breakfast for the kids.  Johnny's awake and that's like having 15 kids awake.  I avoid eye contact with him for fear that he'll ask something of me.  I run upstairs to start getting ready for work.  Pause:  Why am I telling you all this crap?  Who knows!  But now I need to finish.  Anyway, my bed must be made before I leave the house and before Claire wakes and comes into my room to watch whatever Disney show we recorded for her.  She needs at least 30 minutes awake before anybody can address her.  Then I wake up the twins a little before 7.  While Fred has them sit for breakfast, I'm getting ready for work and laying out the boys' clothes for school.  I grab some oatmeal and eat it while I'm packing my bag.  Brush my teeth and I'm out the door by 7:30.  Already exhausted and I'm just beginning my walk.

I didn't win the 23 million.

So now I walk.  I'm thinking that I want to lose about 20 pounds before I start "working out" again.  At this point, I'm not even sure if my head-band and leg warmers still fit.

"Here comes the sun"

My problem with working out is that I have to do it at home.  The last time I tried this, I had four kids jumping on me while I was trying to do push-ups and then they started to complain that I was hoggin' up the t.v.  I could barely concentrate.  In fact, they are upstairs right now screaming at each other about something and I can barely concentrate on this.

Who doesn't love a little black pussy every now and then?

I sometimes hear stories about actors being 5'11" and weighing 150 pounds.  And I think to myself, what the hell?  I can't imagine myself at that weight.  I was rail thin at 160.  I couldn't get any thinner.  So I think my ideal weight must be around 175 or so.

That background blurriness bothers me in this photo.

Unfortunately, I was cursed with massive thighs, a powerful chest, and broad shoulders.  I know, disgusting, right?  No, it's okay as long as I don't gain weight.  But 160 is way too low for me.  I really don't think those weight charts take into consideration one's build.  I don't have a skinny frame and and that's why I looked sickly at 160.

"Hey Mister Man on your toilet"!  I'm only foolin'!  That's an office

I've told you before, whenever anything is wrong in my life, I blame my Mom.  "Hi Mom, love ya"!  She reads this you know.  But she's used to the abuse that I give her.  Plus, I'm making her famous.  Anyway, my Mom set no eating boundaries growing up.  She had/has the best pantry in the world.  You want it, she got it!  And no generic brands for her.  It's Oreo's all the way.

You know you're hitting Harrisburg City when the roads start to look like this.

Still, to this day, whenever I go to my parent's house, I head straight to her cupboards.  I'm purely driven by instinct.  Just last week when I picked up John and Claire from her house, she slipped me an Easter Peanut Butter egg.  She knows my weakness and she feeds upon it.  Truly, she's like a drug dealer.  But one who deals only in chocolate and Krimpets.

This church is for sale.  The price is right but City taxes are crazy high!

I try to resist but the situation usually goes down like this.  Picture my Mom and Dad sitting in their overstuffed love-seat with flip down cushions with built in drink holders.

Mom:  Want some Chicken-in-the-biscuit?

Me:  No, I'm okay.

Dad:  We have a new can of Cheeze-Whiz for them.  It's jalapeno!

Me:  No, I'm just picking up the kids.

Mom:  How 'bout some Molasses Cookies?  I know you like them.

Me:  Yeah, I like it all.  I'm just trying to cut down on the snacks.

Mom:   I bought them just for you!

Dad:  He thinks he's better than us!

Me:  No, I'm just saying that I eat too much of this stuff and it's not good for me.

Mom:  "This, STUFF"?  Why you frontin' like this?

Me:  Listen, I just want the kids and I gotta get home.

Dad:  Yo Bitch, why you treatin' your "Moms" like this?

Mom:  You're so ungrateful.  I should have aborted your sorry ass!

Me:  Can I go now?

Mom:  Just one f*^@3ing cookie?

Me:  Alright!!!!

Half a box later, I'm walking out the door with the rest of the box, a meatloaf and a jar of pickled eggs under my arms.  Claire has the can of jalapeno Cheeze-whiz in her overnight bag.

Dad:  That's right, Bitch, you know you like it!

The sad thing is, he's right, I do!

Italian Lake.  It's prettier in the Summer.

Okay, maybe I exaggerate a little bit with how my parents talk.  They're actually quite loving and all that jazz.       Plus, their sofa doesn't have drink holders.  And don't worry for my Mom, she knows how I am.

Almost there!

So, for the most part, I've cut out the snacking of junk food.  But being the ultimate State Worker, that's really hard.  I can't walk 10 feet in my office without running into donuts or bagels or someone's homemade cake.  And it would be rude of me not to accept their wonderful offer.  If it were me who had baked a cake, I would be insulted if no one ate it.

The final stretch.

So, I'll continue to walk.  In the past 2 weeks, there has been no weight loss.  However, I have noticed that I don't feel so bloated.  I'm sure that's because I quit with the mass amounts of junk food.  Fred is a wonderful cook and if I just stuck with what he prepared for me, I'd be okay.

The Zembo Mosque in the background.

I know that I have to do this now because I'm sure it gets more difficult the older I get.  And it's certainly no piece of cake now.  Geez, did I just write cake again?

My office.  Actually, the back entrance.  But I prefer entering in the rear.

I get in there, change my shoes and I'm ready to go!  Eight hours and I'm hoofing it again.

I really hope to lose 25pounds by May or June.  Bikini season is upon us and I'm hoping to slip back into my Summer 1989 International Male speedo again.  Please pray for me.

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Your Friend, who if I were a Straight dude, none of this crap would matter, m.